Archive for August, 2009

Evil Never Dies

And then Morgan bent over and I went...

And then Morgan bent over and I went...

Old Bob, the father of all evil was rushed off to hospital.  Reports over his condition are conflicting, but I think Hayibo hit it on the head.

Mugabe in hospital after spill with holy water and garlic

HARARE. Undead Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe is reportedly receiving medical treatment in Dubai after coming into contact with holy water and garlic. According to Mugabe’s surgeons, the 85-year-old sustained third-degree burns from the water after a demon-hunter doused him in it while he was sucking the immortal soul from a baby in a sewer.

Mugabe has been largely ignored by the international media in recent months, mainly because he has been sleeping in a box in a crypt, reportedly to allow Zimbabwe’s malnourished citizens to grow fresh blood.

According to the United Nations, Mugabe’s undead demon-sleep has allowed Zimbabwe’s economy to be upgraded from Completely Destroyed to only Catastrophically Compromised.

Global leaders have also praised Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai, appointed by Mugabe because he has the word “fang” in his surname, and say that as long as he can prevent Mugabe from biting him in the face in the next few years, Zimbabwe could soon gain Almost Failed State status.

However this morning it emerged that Mugabe was in a private clinic in Dubai, receiving treatment for severe burns sustained after he was doused with holy water and exposed to garlic.

Asked why Mugabe opted to travel to Dubai instead of seeking help at a Zimbabwean hospital, an aide explained that Zimbabwean hospitals no longer had certain key pieces of medical equipment such as doors, walls, or roofs.

Staff at the exclusive clinic were tight lipped about Mugabe’s current condition, believed to be “stable but evil”, but a statement released this morning confirmed that he had been severely burned by holy water after being “interrupted during a meal” in a sewer by a freelance demon-hunter.

“Mr Mugabe was sitting down to orally remove the immortal soul of an unnamed infant through its jugular when he was cynically ambushed by a reactionary imperialist occultist,” read the statement.

It confirmed that Mugabe had suffered extensive burns, mostly to his large leathery wings, and that he had also suffered severe garlic poisoning, but it went on to reassure Zimbabweans that Mugabe would be “right as rain after a good sleeps in his favourite pine box”.

In response, Zimbabweans said, “Yay.”

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Get Over It

Holy Smokes cigar shop in New Hampshire: specializing in smokes… not sympathy.

Now come in and buy an expensive cigar to get over the shock

Now come in and buy an expensive cigar to get over the shock

Grandma’s Dead

Found this little gem on Amazon, they definitely have any book you need.

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Of course a face as cute as that would soften the blow

Of course a face as cute as that would soften the blow

How else do you tell your kid?

How else do you tell your kid?

Kids these days...

Kids these days...

The book, entitled : Grandma’s Dead, breaking bad news with baby animals, is available on Amazon.com for only $9.99.

Now I know what to by my sister for her birthday.  She has 3 kids, I’m sure it will come in handy.

Used Goods

Overly religious people freak me out…

But these gals are just too much for words.

The resale value was suprisingly low

The resale value was suprisingly low

One part of me would love to just hear this album, but then I come to my senses.

Texting Skills

Just check this guy out.

I thought I was skilled being able to apply make-up, text and drive, but this guy puts me to shame!

What a Cracker!

Discovered this pearler from Seth at 2oceansvibe.

Taking Community watch to a whole new level

Taking Community watch to a whole new level

So the naming and shaming in Woodstock seems to be going well…

Wonder how long it took the operation to move?

Bet they could’ve given Bolt a run for his money.

Gender Confused

It appears that one of our top medal hopefuls, Caster Semenya’s, gender has been called into question.

I’m not one to judge but seriously, half of the athletes that are supposedly ‘female’ seem very suspicious to me.  But our poor Caster is the one to undergo “gender testing”.

I would hate to know what that entails!

But what makes it more bizarre for me is that she has apparently been under ‘suspicion’ before, undergone the tests and been declared female.

What more could the Germans want?  Did she quickly have a sex-change since her last test?

Come on guys!

Below is an article from the Herald Sun.

Another reason not to give your kids gender ambivalent names

Another reason not to give your kids gender ambivalent names

Doubts over South African sprinter Caster Semenya’s sex.

IS SHE a he? That is the question being asked at the world championships about South Africa’s Caster Semenya.

The 18-year-old  800m gold medal favourite has burst on to the world scene in recent months, with her appearance, including obvious facial hair, and muscular build igniting speculation about her gender.

The IAAF is aware of the issue and has conducted physical tests and genetic screening to try to determine the legitimacy of Semenya’s sex.

An overnight meeting of officials in Berlin was expected to determine whether she takes her place in tomorrow morning’s 800m final.

Semenya announced her arrival at last month’s African junior titles, running 1min 56.72sec, which was more than seven seconds faster than her best the previous year.

Semenya, who hails from a remote part of the Limpopo province, clocked 1:58.66 to win her semi-finals yesterday, relegating Kenyan world champion Janeth Jepkosgei to third.

I smell a disgruntled Aussie somewhere in this…

Dear…

Novel complaint

Novel complaint

At least someone is praying for him.

Divorce Cakes

Divorce is supposed to be a terrible time for all concerned.

Sadness, tears and memories of good times shared.  Sniff.

But according to these ladies it’s something to be celebrated!

The wedding cake industry will never be the same

The wedding cake industry will never be the same

Oops, honey are you okay?

Oops, honey are you okay?

The best part of divorce

I want the piece with his head

Can you say alimony?

Can you say alimony?

So you're free this Friday night?

So you're free this Friday night?

I didn't know diamonds were edible

I didn't know diamonds were edible

If you want something done, you gotta do it yourself

If you want something done, you gotta do it yourself

Hell yeah, loving the style.

Shaik’s Behaviour Explained

So yesterday I reported that old Shaik, our lovable fraudster, had been spotted driving around, playing golf and horror of horrors, buying balloons! Read the erroneous post here.

But don’t panic, before we condemn the poor guy Hayibo has quickly cleared up the confusion.  Apparently his trip was sponsored by reach for a dream.

Below is the article that cleared up the confusion.

Shaik's dream wasn't grand

Shaik's dream wasn't grand

Shaik’s Durban BMW cruise a Reach For A Dream outing

DURBAN. The ANC has confirmed that it was deathly ill fraudster Schabir Shaik who was seen driving through Durban this week, saying that the outing was organized by Reach For A Dream. “Comrade Schabir has only years to live,” said a spokesman, “and he wanted to see his beloved Durban one last time. And buy some balloons. And a pie and a Coke.”

The former financial advisor of President Jacob Zuma was sentenced to 15 years in prison for fraud, but was released on medical parole after serving two years in a private clinic after doctors diagnosed him with a fatal condition known as “life”, an ailment with a 100-percent mortality rate.

At the time of his release various doctors, many of them with actual qualifications earned at genuine training colleges, panel-beaters and ANC re-education centers, explained that Shaik was in the final stage of “life”, with only decades left to live, and urged that he be released from prison to spend his remaining 40 or 50 years with his family at home.

However an alleged sighting of Shaik driving his luxury BMW through Durban this week has again raised questions about his condition.

According to the Democratic Alliance MP who spotted and filmed the alleged outing, the sighting was “manna from white whinger heaven, as if God himself had reached down from the clubhouse of the celestial golf estate” and revealed Shaik to her.

This morning Shaik hit back, describing the alleged video as “a total fabrication”, a statement that many are taking seriously as Shaik is considered a world-class authority on total fabrications.

However, the ANC has stepped in to calm the situation, saying that Shaik’s outing was organized by Reach For A Dream.

According to spokesman Kickbax Mxenge, the “ANC looks after its own”.

“We thought we would do something nice for Comrade Schabir,” he explained. “We asked him to make a list of everything he still wanted to experience in life and one final tour of Durban was fourth on the list.”

He said the first three choices had included being given back all his money, being appointed Deputy President, and setting fire to everyone who had been unkind to him, but Mxenge said that these had been “impractical for now”.

“Which is not to say that Comrade Schabir can’t end up as Deputy President,” he added. “With this government anything is possible.”

Well done Hayibo, what would we do without you?

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