Posts Tagged ‘Zimbabwe’

Evil Never Dies

And then Morgan bent over and I went...

And then Morgan bent over and I went...

Old Bob, the father of all evil was rushed off to hospital.  Reports over his condition are conflicting, but I think Hayibo hit it on the head.

Mugabe in hospital after spill with holy water and garlic

HARARE. Undead Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe is reportedly receiving medical treatment in Dubai after coming into contact with holy water and garlic. According to Mugabe’s surgeons, the 85-year-old sustained third-degree burns from the water after a demon-hunter doused him in it while he was sucking the immortal soul from a baby in a sewer.

Mugabe has been largely ignored by the international media in recent months, mainly because he has been sleeping in a box in a crypt, reportedly to allow Zimbabwe’s malnourished citizens to grow fresh blood.

According to the United Nations, Mugabe’s undead demon-sleep has allowed Zimbabwe’s economy to be upgraded from Completely Destroyed to only Catastrophically Compromised.

Global leaders have also praised Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai, appointed by Mugabe because he has the word “fang” in his surname, and say that as long as he can prevent Mugabe from biting him in the face in the next few years, Zimbabwe could soon gain Almost Failed State status.

However this morning it emerged that Mugabe was in a private clinic in Dubai, receiving treatment for severe burns sustained after he was doused with holy water and exposed to garlic.

Asked why Mugabe opted to travel to Dubai instead of seeking help at a Zimbabwean hospital, an aide explained that Zimbabwean hospitals no longer had certain key pieces of medical equipment such as doors, walls, or roofs.

Staff at the exclusive clinic were tight lipped about Mugabe’s current condition, believed to be “stable but evil”, but a statement released this morning confirmed that he had been severely burned by holy water after being “interrupted during a meal” in a sewer by a freelance demon-hunter.

“Mr Mugabe was sitting down to orally remove the immortal soul of an unnamed infant through its jugular when he was cynically ambushed by a reactionary imperialist occultist,” read the statement.

It confirmed that Mugabe had suffered extensive burns, mostly to his large leathery wings, and that he had also suffered severe garlic poisoning, but it went on to reassure Zimbabweans that Mugabe would be “right as rain after a good sleeps in his favourite pine box”.

In response, Zimbabweans said, “Yay.”

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Mugabe Conned

A lady who can make diesel come out of a rock…

Sounds legit to me, as it did to Mugabe when a dodgy medicine woman managed to con Mugabe’s government out of US$1m (note that is US not Zim, she wasn’t so stupid after all).

Below is the full story from News24.

Unleaded was proving more of a challenge

Unleaded was proving more of a challenge

Trickster convicted of fraud

Harare – A medicine woman, who conned President Robert Mugabe’s government out of about US$1m by bamboozling ministers into believing she could tap diesel fuel from a rock, was convicted of fraud at the weekend, state media reported on Monday.

Rotina Mavhunga, who goes by the alias of Nomatter Tagirira, found an abandoned fuel tank in the bush near the northern town of Chinhoyi in March 2007.

She filled it with diesel, attached a pipe to the outlet and concealed it at the top of a rock, the Chinhoyi magistrate’s court heard.

She then summoned top government officials to witness her “discovery.” At a signal, a hidden accomplice would open the tap on the pipe and the officials would gasp in amazement as refined diesel poured down the side of the rock.

A cabinet “task force” dispatched by Mugabe to investigate the claim returned to declare that Zimbabwe’s persistent fuel shortages were at an end. Government officials and businessmen lavished money and vehicles on the medium until several months later, when a second group of ministers began to express doubt in the woman.

Judge Ignatius Mugova found Mavhunga guilty of defrauding the government of about US$1m, and of “misrepresenting to a public official” that she could conjure diesel from a stone, the state-controlled Herald daily reported.

The magistrate also named one of the country’s most powerful civil servants, registrar-general Tobaiwa Mudede, as “an interested party” in the fraud.

Mudede, who has run the country’s elections since 2000, had supplied 125 litres of diesel, which the mystic poured down the rock, the judge revealed. When Mavhunga went on the run from police, she was hidden and fed by Mudede, Mugova said.

While finding his behaviour was “disturbing” the judge said he was not convinced Mudede was acting out of self-interest.

Many people who visited Mavhunga’s “shrine” were “gullible” and were clearly “frightened” of her alleged spiritual power, referring to reports that members of the investigating cabinet task force took off their shoes in her presence.

During the trial, Mavhunga would start growling in the dock before the terror-stricken public gallery, but the magistrate said she had been faking a trance to try and have herself declared unfit for trial.

Her conviction was passed “in absentia”, as she had repeatedly failed to turn up after being served the summons, and was believed to be in hiding, the Herald said. Sentencing is expected later in the week.