Archive for All things Phuza

Kanye, You’re a C#nt

From bestweekever.TV, here are the top 6 theories behind Kanye’s c#nt-like behaviour at the VMA’s.

6. HE’S GONE FULL RETARD We’re actually serious about this. Only a few hours after the incident, Kanye blogged a sort of non-pology, saying that he’s sorry for what he did, but still believing that the action was completely and totally necessary BECAUSE BEYONCE DESERVED IT YEEZY. Read this and cry a blood tear that this man is definitely wealthier than you are:

I are a ....

I are a ....

5. HAIR WARNING: Kanye was still a little zonked and light-headed after the Ghost of Keith Haring visited him with a buzzsaw (much like he once did to an unsuspecting Grace Jones) as evidenced here:

Come on Taylor, don't be dissing a brother's do

Come on Taylor, don't be dissing a brother's do

4. HUG LIFE: Kelly Clarkson — one of this year’s VH1 Divas, and now we know why — wonders aloud on her blog I Am Kelly if Kanye is acting out following a less than warm childhood:

Dear Kanye,

KELLY CLARKSON KANYE WESTWhat happened to you as a child?? Did you not get hugged enough??… I mean, I’ve seen you do some pretty sh*tty things, but you just keep amazing me with your tactless, asshole ways. It’s absolutely fascinating how much I don’t like you. I like everyone. I even like my asshole ex that cheated on me over you…which is pretty odd since I don’t even personally know you. The best part of this evening is that you weren’t even up for THIS award and yet you still have a problem with the outcome. Is winning a moon man that much of a life goal?? You can have mine if it will shut you up. Is it that important, really??…
On a side note, Beyonce has always been a class act and proved again tonight that she still is. Go TEXAS!!

Taylor Swift, you outsell him ….that’s why he’s bitter. You know I love your work! Keep it up girl!

KC 🙂

If we come across Kelly at the event this Thursday, we will high five her for the world.

3. #1 SH*T RECORD:

Singer Pink thinks it might have something to do with the fact that Kanye is a Guinness World Record holder as “World’s Largest Piece of Dookie”:

@Pink: Kanye west is the biggest piece of sh*t on earth. Quote me.

2. WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME: Kanye thought for a brief moment that he was at an event that was much, much, much, much more important than the VMAs:

1. BLAME IT ON THE ALCOHOL: Kanye was not in his right mind, as he had just downed a bottle and a half of Henny. He was so drunk, in fact, that he insisted he would not leave the show until security found his date, who just happened to be a Giant Bootysnake from Planet Androgynintonic whom he also hallucinated:

Class your ass

Class your ass

Hmmmm, some of them could have merit.

Although I think the snake lady had something to do with it…

Motata says “Cheers!”

Judge Nkola Motata has been acquitted on a charge of “driving with an excessive amount of alcohol in his blood”, but still faces a drunken-driving charge. Huh??!
What did they think he had an excessive amount of Five Roses in his system?

Milk or Lemon?

Milk or Lemon?

Motata (62) was charged with drunken driving in January 2007 after he crashed his Jaguar into the perimeter wall of Richard Baird’s property in Hurlingham, north of Johannesburg.

The Pretoria High Court judge was facing two charges — one of drunken driving, and the other of obstructing the ends of justice.

The charge of drunken driving included two alternative charges — one of having an excessive amount of alcohol in his blood, and the other of reckless or negligent driving. Wowee and they wonder why we have such a backlog of cases in our courts.  Did they just add on another charge because the clerks were looking bored?

The second charge also included an alternative charge of resisting arrest.

“The accused has been discharged of the alternative charge of driving with an excessive amount of alcohol in his blood.

“All other counts stand,” said magistrate Desmond Nair in the Johannesburg Magistrate’s Court when he delivered his judgment on the discharge application made by the defence.

The case is postponed to July 16 for arguments and for the state to close its case.

Motata’s own effing words:

  • “I don’t want to talk to them. They can do whatever …. They think they’ve apprehended me for something they think they know.”
  • “ This department … it used to be a white man’s land … now South Africa is ours. We are ruling .”
  • “Even if I’ve damaged the wall, I’ll reimburse the owner … He should not degrade me. There’s no boer who will undermine and degrade me.”
  • “He must stop pestering me with this wall of his.”
  • “Fight him. Fight him. You must not even help him [Richard Baird],” he told two policewomen .
  • “What did you say when I got out of the car? I’m not a fool. You said I’m a drunken person.”
  • “You’re drunk, unfortunately; the guys are laughing at you,” said Baird to Motata.

  • “Get to hell,” Motata replied. .
  • “I’m not going to co-operate with you … I don’t have to co-operate with you. F**k you. If anybody doesn’t give me my keys … if anybody does not want to co-operate with my keys.”
  • “Stop using racial statements with me,” said Baird. “I have black tenants living with me and I’ve got a black neighbour.”
  • Motata to female police officer: “Woman, wena, don’t worry about whites. It’s the truth that must prevail. Ja, I don’t care about her.” “I’m not begging a person here. You all know I will not run away from the scene”.

  • “I’ve knocked your wall. No, no, no, I accept that. I’ve got to pay for whatever I’ve done”. “If I damage your wall, whether I’m drunk or sober, I’ve got to pay for that, honestly, I’ve got to give you my particulars and pay for the damage I’ve caused. It’s not a question of drunk or sober. I’ve done damage to you. Take my particulars and tell me how much damage I’ve done, I’m prepared to pay.”To police officers:
  • “Yes you will regret it, you will regret it. I don’t care, do it, do it,”
  • “How am i supposed to stand up? I’m refusing, I’m refusing”.
  • Shame judge, I also often forget how to stand up after a few cups of tea…

    And don’t get me started on the biscuits.

    Bombs (and dignity) Away

    As a writer and proclaimed seeker of ‘Le’ Good Life’ I am always on the look-out for the latest Phuza related fun…

    So here it is.  Just when you thought that you were a cool cat going up to the bar and ordering ‘Jagey bomb’ or even the ‘Handgrenade’ (who remembers that night?!) they come up with a shooter that is destined to gain the respect of all the other alcoholics at the bar when you are poegeyed enough to order one.

    It’s called the ‘Atom Bomb”.

    Poegeyed in one go

    Poegeyed in one go

    The ingredients are as follows:

    • One shot of Jagermeister
    • One shot of Tequila
    • One shot of Absinthe
    • One shot of Stroh Rum
    • Tumbler of Red Bull

    And here’s how you do it: Down the Stroh Rum on top. Then the Tequila. When you Pull the Absinthe and down that, it creates a Jager Bomb, finally klap the Jager Bomb.

    Now when I can actually pshych my liver up to try this I shall post pictures!!!