Egyptian soccer players not robbed by prozzies

Shame!  Poor Egyptian soccer players, imagine not even being able to trust our shifty ‘African’ ladies of the night!

Well they are a part of Africa, you’d think they would be a little more aware.

Article courtesy of

Egyptian team robbed by British archaeologists, not prostitutes

pith helmets

JOHANNESBURG. Egyptian authorities have denied that members of the national football team were robbed by prostitutes over the weekend, saying that new evidence has emerged that the players’ rooms were in fact looted by a team of British archaeologists. Asked where the archaeologists now were, a spokesman said that all seven had died from an ancient curse.

About $2,400 in cash was stolen from the Egyptian players’ hotel rooms in Johannesburg during a victory party on the weekend, and despite initial media reports that blamed the theft on “the blacks”, police have suggested that the money was stolen by prostitutes.

On Sunday night the team’s management slammed the allegations, calling on Isis, Osiris and Danny Jordaan to intervene, either by threatening legal action or by plucking out the still-beating hearts of the infidel accusers and feeding them to the crocodiles that guard the Temple of Anubis.

It was not immediately clear which of the two courses of action was being expected of Danny Jordaan, but his office confirmed that he was “fairly sure he could manage either, given enough prep time”.

However, this morning team manager Ali Ali Okhsenfri said that new evidence had been found that suggested that his team had been robbed by British archaeologists and not by prostitutes.

“After careful analysis of closed-circuit television footage we can confirm that our team has been the victim of cynical colonial pillage,” explained Okhsenfri.

“The tape is very clear. Just before midnight seven figures wearing pith helmets slowly make their way up the corridor, waving burning torches in front of them and brandishing machetes and Browning .303 revolvers.

“They are followed by approximately 350 Arab porters, carrying various crates, five boxes of dates, two baboons in a cage, and one 1929 Ford.”

He said the porters seemed to hesitate at the door but it was unclear whether this was out of fear of vengeful spirits or because of the overpowering stench of the aftershave favoured by the Egyptian squad.

He said that five minutes after entering the players’ rooms, the seven British archaeologists reappeared, “waxing and curling their moustaches in a self-congratulatory manner”.

“There is no need for further investigation,” said Okhsenfri. “Especially not by the vice squad. Really. Seriously.”

Asked if he wanted to press charges against the archaeologists, Okhsenfri said that it would be pointless as all of them had died since the weekend after being struck down by an ancient curse.

“We issue all our guys with standard curses instead of travel insurance,” explained Okhsenfri. “Anyone tampers with their luggage, they get the full package: green vapours swirling around the nostrils, apparitions of their impending doom, night sweats, a sudden ability to understand the language of cats – the usual stuff.”


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